haha, I think I can feel my mother slapping me in the back of the head.
Sure, 20 isn't that old for older... I mean wiser people, but for me it feels ancient. For so long, 20 seemed so far off, so unlikely to happen and yet here I am.
For those of you who know me, I like to think of myself as a kid at heart, a free spirit, a person who thrives of creativity and imagination. 20 makes me feel... boring. I mean I've lived for 20 years on this earth and what do I have to show for it?! Growing up stinks.
I've been telling people for years, "Peter Pan had it all right! Never grow up!" Yet, no matter how many times I seemed to leave my window cracked growing up, Peter didn't come to wisk me off to Neverland. So here I am, 20 years old and terrified.
Sure, sure, I've read all the Bible verses about God having a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), how God knew what I would do all the days of my life before I was even born (Psalm 139:16), and even how Jesus came so we could live our lives to the fullest with no fear (John 10:7-10), yet I am still unsure. I want to live my life for Christ without doubt or fear, but the fear of "growing up" has me locked inside myself. I was sitting in the car with my Mom this week and I said, "Mom, can you believe you have a 20-year-old kid?" I realized the flaw in that sentence immediatly... as a 20 year old I really should NOT be terming myself as a "kid". My mom told me how growing up is not something to be afraid of or dread, but to cherish and learn from.
"Being an adult you have a lot of opportunities as well as choices to make. Growing up does involve a lot of change..."
"Mom, I hate change. I've been like that since I was a kid. I hate change."
"Nobody really likes change at first, but without change we'd miss out on a lot of good things."
"I know, but it's hard. I just don't think I'm ready for it."
It's like a hide and seek game... Growing up and change are shouting from the other room, "Ready or not, here I come!" And it found me. So, I've been praying about it and hoping to face the change in my life with strenght that only God can provide.
And guess what? God revealed something to me in a totally geeky and "classic me" way.
"The Lord of the Rings" Frodo is wishing that a change brought suddenly upon him (the gaurdianship of the Great Ring of Power) had never come to him. And Gandalf says something incredible. I've included the clip below.
PLEASE WATCH and continue reading!
Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
That spoke to me in volumes. I am not in control of any of the changes about to occur in my life in relationship to "growing up", but my life is my own and how I choose to live it is up to me. I can repeat, "God I don't know what you're doing, but I trust you and I want to live my life wholly and completely for you. No matter what changes that may bring or where it takes me. I'm choosing to live my life for you."
Believe me, that doesn't mean it will be easy, but with God's help I know I can conquer anything (Philippians 4:13) , even being... 20!
So, "Happy Birthday me... Dear Jesus, PLEASE HELP ME!"
Anyways, just because I'm old age-wise, doesn't mean I have to give up my crazy mind inside. You can still be mature and responsible, AND never grow up! BRING ON 20! (yikes)
“Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator.
Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, ‘Life is not pleasant anymore.’
Remember him before the light of the sun, moon, and stars is dim to your old eyes, and rain clouds continually darken your sky.
Remember him before your legs—the guards of your house—start to tremble; and before your shoulders—the strong men—stoop.
Remember him before your teeth—your few remaining servants—stop grinding; and before your eyes—the women looking through the windows—see dimly.”