I have come to learn that I am a past-oriented person. The way that I face the future is by reflecting on my past experiences and emotions. This blog is part reflection, part practice in thankfulness, and part of my grieving process… so that I can walk forward stronger. In January 2020, I complete a 30 Day Yoga Challenge titled “HOME” through Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. After the 2019 Christmas holiday (when Kelly came to visit me in China) our school commences for two weeks of classes before Lunar New Year holiday. On January 20, my roommate Grace, our friend Gloria, and I fly to Thailand for a planned two week holiday to visit Grace’s parents. There are whispers and rumors that a sickness has become an issue in western China. I think little of it. I meet an elephant. On January 29th, while still in Thailand, we receive news that our school decided to delay opening for two weeks due to virus outbreak in China. Classes are scheduled to resume online temporarily. Grace, Gloria, and I decide to extend our stay in Thailand for some fun and sunny weather. At the end of the month, after much deliberation and prayer through November and December, I send in my official resignation letter to ISQ. We are living in the village where Grace’s parents have agreed to take us in for an extended amount of time. The well runs out of water on more than one occasion and Thailand hits the start of dry season. School is delayed reopening for another two weeks. Grace, Gloria, and I are teaching online through Home-Based Learning from Mae Ai, Thailand. We adjust to the one hour time difference between Thailand and China while teaching. The news projects the virus is spreading and getting worse. I begin to have nightmares. I run 42km in 29 days. I begin applying for jobs and have interviews with schools in Fiji and Austria. On February 11-12, we travel to Chiangmai to renew my soon-to-expire tourist visa for another 30 days. School is delayed another four weeks. I make plans to return to China anyways as rumors spread that the Thai immigration office is turning away requests for renewed visas. I continue with job interviews in South Korea, England, Bolivia, and Fiji. I run 32km in 31 days. China closes its borders to all foreign countries. I cry a lot. After 55 days in Thailand, I decide that I will return to America to wait until I can return to China. I say what I think are temporary goodbyes to my roommate Grace and friend Gloria. I fly home with over 50 hours of travel time from Thailand to Atlanta, Georgia through Malaysia and Qatar. My friend Brittany picks me up in Atlanta and I feel strange. I am reunited with Benji and my family. I continue teaching online, but now with a twelve hour time difference. My classes run between 6:00 PM and 2:00 AM EST. All four Manning siblings unexpectedly end up back at home due to Coronavirus hitting the USA. At this time I am hopeful that I will get back to China before the end of the school year. I apply and audition for Sight & Sound Conservatory. I continue teaching online (resulting in poor sleep and many tears). Live classes, assemblies, parent/teacher conferences, and staff meetings take up hours of the day and night. I run 40km in 30 days. I begin meeting with a global counselor from Barnabas International. My brothers and I compete in Bradley James’s unofficial “Merlin” Quiz Night where we finish in the top ten of thousands of contestants. I am overwhelmed by the uncertainty of when I will get back to China and turn down all job offers from Fiji, South Korea, England, and Bolivia. I am still clinging to hope that I will get back to China before the end of the school year. I discover podcasts and begin listening to many in all my free time. I run 22 km in 30 days. It begins to dawn on me that I may not make it back to China before June, I choose to remain optimistic. I begin to video chat with friends who are still in China at 5:00 AM or midnight to talk them through packing up my apartment. It is a really difficult ordeal. I am still teaching online through the night. I attend the Odyssey Representative Meeting online… it is a very emotional encounter. I celebrate my 29th birthday with flowers and take-out from a Chinese Restaurant. I am still praying that I’ll get back to China before the end of the school year. I quit running due to stress and grief. In Qingdao, school resumes in person for those who are still in China. I am now teaching online to a class of students who are together without me. The borders do not reopen. Grades are due, goodbye videos made, final staff meetings and classes occupy more time. I watch the 2020 Graduation online. My friends finalize things being packed up at my house and classroom in China. I ball my eyes out through my “Exit Interview” with LDi. My items from China are shipped on June 17th. I think that I will never look at a teaching position again. I begin applying for local jobs. My counselor invites and encourages me to attend a debriefing conference in Oklahoma for expats and mission workers who have returned to America. I am blessed by sweet friends with the funds to pay to attend the conference. I complete my taxes. I have a follow-up conversation with the school in Fiji. They give me a 10 week extension to decide if I am interested in coming in 2021. I purchase a microphone and begin auditioning as an audiobook narrator on ACX. I apply to a local dog camp and boarding facility. I fly out to Tulsa, OK on July 27 for the Interlude Conference. I attend the Interlude Debriefing Conference in Tulsa, OK. The time is healthy, but hard. I meet wonderful kingdom workers from all over. I reconnect with friends from Senegal while in Oklahoma City. I decide to register for a masters class for the fall in order to get my teaching certificate renewed. I am hired as an audiobook narrator for a junior author from Florida (his novel follows the journey of four air force pilots after the attack on Pearl Harbor). I interview and get hired at a local dog camp and boarding facility. My brother Nick transfers universities and leaves home. My sister Kelly begins graduate school to become a Physician Assistant in Pennsylvania. My brother Timmy moves out before starting his senior year of undergrad. I am the only kid at home. We celebrate Benji’s sixth adoption day! I temporarily dye my hair purple because that’s how I’m coping, haha. I pitch a new podcast idea to Kelly, who agrees to join me as co-host. I reconnect with some friends from university. Kelly and I begin recording a new podcast titled “Not A Lady: A Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Podcast”. The podcast discusses the famous 90s Western starring Jane Seymour. Kelly breaks down the medical practices in the show and I talk from a historical/literary perspective. I work full time at the dog camp and begin private pet-sitting jobs on the side. I record, edit, and produce 50+ hours in order to complete the audiobook. On September 18, Not A Lady Podcast launches on over eight different podcast streaming services. Two months later on September 26, I pick up four suitcases from Black Mountain, North Carolina containing my items from China. I visit with some China friends nearby. I begin a recertification course online and continue working at the dog camp. Over a week after picking up items from China, I finally open them and go through them. I am thankful, but also heartbroken to find a number of sentimental and priceless items are missing/were lost. I am hired by a local pet sitting company. Not A Lady Podcast publishes five episodes. Benji and I dress up together for October 31 for the first time in three years. I complete the eight week recertification course with 100% average. Not A Lady Podcast reaches over 1,000 plays across eight episodes. I continue to work at the dog camp and pet sit on the side. I begin going through all the items I have had in storage for the past three years. Considering my anguish and the strain of getting my things from China/losing precious items, I decide I want to get rid of a lot. Kelly comes home for Thanksgiving as a surprise and our family spends the holiday together. I officially sign a three year contract with a new school beginning in January 2021. I begin the visa process for my new job. I turn in my two weeks’ notice at the dog camp. I will continue pet-sitting privately until my departure date. Our family is blessed to be able to spend our first Christmas in our home together in years. I write this blog because I find it hard to look to the future without processing the past. The truth is that I (and everyone else) will likely be processing and grieving 2020 for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the many unexpected blessings I experienced this year. I just find it hard to celebrate things like “I spent a whole year with my parents and Benji!” when I realize that it came at the cost of saying goodbye to friends, animals, and students in China. It’s just how my brain and emotions work. It is not right or wrong, it’s just me. I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. Some good, some really bad, most of it just hard. I know everyone will have their own 2020 story. I’m still unsure about how to talk about mine. I haven’t written a blog in five months. I’ve found it extremely difficult to talk about myself and my emotions (especially when I consider the thought that no one wants to add my struggle to their own). This blog—of writing out my year—is not the most poetic, profound, or pivotal thing I’ve ever written… but I think it has helped me through another step in my grieving process. A step in the right direction. At one point this year, I told my mom, “I have nothing to show for 2020.” But reading the above, I can see that is just not true. I have A LOT to show for 2020, some really beautiful and great surprises… and yes, many really emotional and difficult hurts and losses. I do have a confession for you, though. When school ended in June 2020, I told my family that I wanted to quit teaching. I never wanted to be an educator ever again. After all that happened with administration in 2018-2019 and the cutting of the theatre program at ISQ in 2019, I felt rejected and unappreciated. Then, with teaching online in the Spring of 2020, I felt exhausted, overworked, and abandoned. Teaching online striped away everything I love about being a teacher (namely relationships and time with others). I’ve been very lonely living in North Carolina with my parents. My family moved here after I had already moved out at 18, so I have no friends here (and it’s really hard to make friends amidst a pandemic, y’all). For the past nine months, I’ve seen maybe 20 people total outside my immediate family. I recognize that many people share this experience. All my lowest points in the last two years led to me want to be finished with teaching forever. Yet, the Lord worked on my heart – as He always does. He gave me some hard physical labor at the dog camp and some sweet puppy loving to remind me how much I love teaching. I love my students. I love the opportunity to create. I love my passion for theatre as a tool to transform. I love my heart for Third Culture Kids and the ministry of the performing arts. I love every trial that the Lord walked with me through while in China. It drew me closer to Him and helped me know myself all the more. In 2012, I was thrown off a horse in an accident that should have taken my life (read about the accident HERE). It took about seven months before I was able to get back on a horse (full "Wounded Series"). 2020 feels appallingly like the emotional equivalent of that accident. I’m ready and excited to mount up and use my gifts, talents, and passions to serve the Lord again. Thank you to those of you who prayed me through this year. And thank you for your patience and encouragement as I struggled to find my footing amidst the chaos of all that’s happened this year. The Lord is good and I remember that most of the time. So, the final thing to do would be to announce where I’m going next. I put it in another blog, and you can read all about it HERE. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
3 Comments
Chelsea
12/8/2020 11:20:00 am
I think a lot of people could benefit from something like this- looking back on a year and maybe realizing that they got more done than they thought. 2020 was a hard year, and you experienced a lot of loss. Hoping 2021 can be a year of gain for you!
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Hannah
12/8/2020 05:29:23 pm
Thank you for sharing this with us, Sarah. It was helpful and encouraging to me; the abrupt changes and transitions of this year have made it seem like a year of mourning. Praying next year brings new hope and much joy for you and us all!
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