What if I fail the class? !
What if I can't bring it up from a B? !
What will that do to my GPA? !
I know, I know. All in all I'm rather ridiculous when it comes to my grades. It all comes down to the fact that I hate to feel out of control about anything and everything in my life. Oftentimes it becomes all consuming. As I was driving home from school yesterday, I was pondering my obsessive fear of failing. I kept wondering to myself... How can I get rid of this? This fear I have? This need for control? How can I give my grades to God? I pondered this deeply while driving home. Meanwhile, the radio was on and it was playing one of the cassette tapes my mom had given me when visited home a few days before. Yes, cassette tapes. My car only plays cassettes so I had gathered together some of my childhood favorite tapes (everything from 'Adventures in Odyssey' to Disney hits). Among these tapes was one tape from Amy Grant's 1982 (obviously before my time, but what can I say both my parents love Amy Grant so I grew up with her) album 'Age to Age'. As I was driving, feeling the warmth of the southern sun in my car, pondering how I could surrender my fears to God... I suddenly became aware of the music that was playing from my car speakers. These are the words I heard:
"...I got to let it go. Holding on just breaks me, worry,
Got to let it go. Come and take it from me, hurry,
Got to let it go. Oh, I've got to let it go.
Got to give up all of my control!..."
At first I couldn't believe my ears. I listened closer and... yes, there was Amy Grant singing about the exact issue I found myself puzzled over. My inability to recognize my need to let go.
I got to let it go... oh, I can see my Advanced Grammar professor cringing now. Yet, this is exactly it. I need to let all my worries, fears, classes, grades, relationships, and even future.... GO.
I could hear God in that car saying, "LET IT GO SARAH".
I need to stop trying to control what God already has. I realize now that God is kind and lets us go on believing we have control over our lives. In the end though, we watch as what feels to be our whole world comes crashing down around us. The lyrics went on, "Lord, here's my heart, I've been keeping it from you! And I got to let it go."
You see, sometimes God gives us the answers we seek before we even ask for them. I believe without a doubt that He must have laughed, a strong, good natured laugh, at me brooding over my 'great' dilemma All the while the Lord was whispering the answer in my ear. The thought makes me laugh myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I know this is going to be a lot easier said than done when it comes to my life. Yet, I see now that God has made the first step for me a simple one.
"I got to let it go" leave the rest up to GOD'S never ending love, compassion, and faithfulness to me. Still, I think this experience has revealed to me another reason why God loves us and keeps us around... it must be because He adores it when we make Him laugh. :D